NonDescriptNerd

Hokey self talk...

2009-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

Not that I have a ton of readers but what have I been up to lately? Not a lot. Seriously. Well I did go on a tropical vacation for two weeks. I guess that counts as something. It was fun but it's back to real life now.

It's funny because I have things throughout the day and I think to myself, 'I should blog about that!' and by the time I get to it, I forget or lose all steam.

Things with the GF have been okay. I'm still not 100% sold on us being together for the rest of our lives. I have decided to not look so much outside of what we have but to try to fix what can be fixed inside. We'll see where it goes.

I've also decided to stop talking so much about what I want to do but actually do it. Some where along the line I've fallen into this trap where I take my (ususally) great ideas and do nothing with them. In the past I've at least tried to make changes where needed. Recently I just do nothing. So today I change this.

I know that all sounds like hokey self talk, but you gotta start somewhere right?

I'm not dead

2009-07-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

...really I'm not. I've just been busy with life. I'm going to try to get back on the blogging horse here shortly.

Weird dream

2009-04-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I was in a photo shoot with a really hot woman. For some reason all of the poses involved me hugging her from behind while cupping her breasts Janet Jackson style. I'm not sure why we only posed with me cupping her breasts but I didn't seem to be complaining in my dream.

At one point we're laying in water, like we were in a bath tub, and I offer to cup her breasts for a better pose. As I'm lying beneath her in the water, cupping her breasts, my ex walks in. My ex than starts chastising me for laying in a bath tub naked with this woman while cupping her breasts.

I hop out of the tub, in all my glory, and sit on a couch where my ex is. I start asking her why she's so upset with me? We broke up years ago. She then breaks down in tears and proceeds to tell me that she misses me and is having problems with her current boyfriend.

I hug her, with no real intentions but to comfort her like a nice guy. I tell her I really don't have any feelings for her.

Next thing you know The Girlfriend walks in and gets upset with me. Then I wake up.

Nice to see ya

2009-03-30T15:41:00.001-07:00

Where the hell have I been? I've been pretty busy. I normally do my blogging from work and work's kept me pretty busy lately. I try to stay as far away from a computer as possible when I'm at home because I spend all day at work on one.

Things with The GF have been a roller coaster. We have our ups and downs. One up was mind blowing sex. That could probably be an up and down..get it? We still can't get along on regular basis though.

I've been talking with The Other Girl a little bit via messenger and she's taken the plunge. She left her husband. No it doesn't mean she and I are going to hook up again. I admire her in one sense, she had the guts to leave him, but on the other hand it's a scary prospect. I'll cross that bridge soon enough I think. I just have to continue to work through the process until my time comes.

Did I mention that we had mind blowing sex?

I'll have more I'm sure but I figured that I'd throw some up real quick.

Where are all the hot women?

The new girl

2009-03-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a new project, as if I need more work. I swear my company doesn't realize how much the projects they give are impacting my ability to blog. I'll have to talk to my boss about that.

This new project has this wonderful project manager. She looks like an under-educated, naughty secretary. She's pretty nice too.

I really have no interest in her but she's nice to look at. She always wears the best outfits too. She'll definitely make the meetings a lot more tolerable.

She wore these shoes one day. At first I wasn't a big fan but they grew on me after I got a chance to evaluate her outfit. Nice.

Why?

2009-03-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Why do I keep trying to hang in there with her? I know why, I keep thinking I can make it work. I don't want to lose what I think may be the best thing to ever happen to me.

As the days go on a little more of me slipping away to never come back.

We managed to take what was a seriously awesome weekend and shit all over it in the end.

I planned this really cool day for her birthday. I made dinner reservations at this restaraunt she'd been wanting to eat at. I reserved studio time with a local purse designer so she could create a custom purse. She chose the design, the materials, and every little detail down to the stitching.

Did she appreciate it? In some small way but she still managed to pick it apart in the end. My cool idea didn't turn out to be as cool I thought it was.

I give up.

2009-03-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

I feel weird today. I'm not sure what it is. I just don't feel like myself.

I did hit the gym last night though. Shit was I wrong about there being no hot girls where I live. Hot girls do live here, they just hide until a certain hour and then they all go to the gym at the same time. I got lucky last night and picked the right hour. Unfortunately I didn't talk to any of them. That's not my 'gym style.' I hate when people talk to me at the gym so I don't talk to anyone in return. I'm there to workout. That's it. But looking at good looking women is extra motivation.

Even though I have a shitload of projects, I've been slacking like mad at work. I just can't get in to work lately. I've been surfing so much at work. It's sad. I've actually been to the end of the internet and now I've run out of things to read, watch, listen to.

I was looking through some old pictures and I found this one of how I used to look. Man I had nice shoulders. More motivation.

I just feel weird.

So bored

2009-03-16T15:05:00.001-07:00

...I'm half tempted to post my number at work online to see who calls me.

Enough

2009-03-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time focusing today. I had a long weekend of nothingness. I didn't do shit but sit and stew about, well, shit. Most of it was focused on The Girlfriend.

Here's what's really going on....

We live together. We still live together. We haven't truly broken up. It sounds so easy to just leave but it's not that easy. The thing that makes it hardest to leave is finances. At one point I was sure I was going to marry this girl. Based on that we made some decisions that impact both of us. Namely we put things in BOTH our names. We invested in real estate thinking that it would give us a little nest egg for when we get old and retire. It sounded so good, buy some property, let someone else pay it off by renting it from us and make some money. Little did we know the bottom of the real estate market would drop like a stripper for a dollar bill.

Selling the property is not an option. We would lose all the money we've invested in it so far. We're sort of stuck until the market gets better or until we get a good deal. We pulled it off the market until then.

We both own one SUV and three motorcycles. I have a kickass Harley and crotch rocket. She has a Harley. Those we could get rid of fairly easily but we would take a loss on them too.

The third financial piece is that I dropped $6000 on a three week vacation to the Carribean. It's non refundable. So I'm stuck with her for three weeks in a cool bungalow. I can live with that but I can't lie and say I my eyes won't wander because I'm just not that in to her anymore.

So I spent the better part of this weekend thinking about how can I get out of it. We did have sex but I wasn't in to that either. It sucked for me.

In the meantime I'm passing up all these opportunities to get to know other women because who the hell is going to understand that I'm in a relationship. I could do the girl on the side thing but that always ends up with the girl getting to attached and that's messy. I'll pass.

So I made up an escape plan. I felt like JLO in that one movie, Enough.

In the meanwhile I'll focus on the gym. It always does me really well when my mind isn't focused. Endorphins have a way of focusing me.

Thoughts running through my head at any given moment

2009-03-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

How does Midget Arms' wife put up with him?
I miss her.
Will Hayden Panitierre be fat when she gets older?
How cool would it be if I really lived like one of the guys off of Flight of the Choncords?
I should just stay single forever.
What can I get away with today?
It won't be that bad if I only did it once will it?
I really need a super power.
I've got to get out.
Is she trying to get in my pants?
There's got to be a better way to do that.
Love is way overrated.
Is that a man or a woman?
I would do her.
Only a few more months to put up with this crap.
I need a new lunch buddy.
Why do I gravitate towards younger chicks?
Why are women my age so goody goody?
Is my blog that boring?
Man I love trouble.
I can't be the only one around here who's sneaky.
Why are there so many unhappy wives?
Everyone is shady. I just embrace it.
If I get caught I'll still get away with it.
Get a friggin' real ringtone.
Pace yourself.
Nice nipples!
There's gotta be one good thing about her.
She's so ready to leave her boyfriend if not cheat.
Keep it legal.
Do these people really think I want to be friends with them?
I'm only doing this so you owe me a favor.
What ever happened to The Conductor?
Am I the only freak at work?

It's complicated but life is still good

2009-03-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Things with me and The Girlfriend are complicated. We did break up but there's more to it than that. I think that deserves a post of its own. Suffice to say we had ex sex and ex sex is awesome. I think a post on ex sex is deserving of its own post too. I'll save those for later instead of having this run on paragraph of competing ideas and thoughts.

I've begun my shift in life. I'm taking a new turn for a new me. I realize how 'new age' that sounds but it's the simplest way to express it. Even that may not be entirely accurate. I'm just trying to change things in preparation of upcoming events, my impending, total singledom amongst other things.

I'm back in they gym now! It's been two weeks and counting. I forgot how much I love to work out. I used to be a gym rat. Part of me hopes that people can still see that I had a 'hot bod' (as young people put it) at one point and just sort of fell out the groove.

Yes I'm vain to a degree. No matter what people say, looks go a long way in life. Looks go a long way in business too. If a good looking guy told you something and an ugly guy told you something different, who would you instinctually believe first? The good looking guy right? I thought so.

I haven't heard from Ding-a-ling Girl but it's only been a few days since our initial encounter. She did call me at work though. I doubt it was work related. She didn't leave a message for me. I just saw her number on my caller ID on my desk phone. Unfortunately she has my work number but it's okay because I can ignore her to my heart's content since all calls run through a switchboard at work. No one has my actual number and I can 'blacklist' a number so that my desk phone won't ring and the caller thinks the number is disconnected. You gotta love technology. This is a key tool when you have disgruntled, former lunch partners or wannabe scrote snaggers.

There's also a possibility of a new woman for lunch time activities. I'm not sure where it's going but my instincts tell me she wants it to go somewhere other than work. She's an older lady and is entirely too interested in my personal life. She asks a lot of questions. I took notice that she doesn't talk to anyone else like this so its got me thinking. She's married, unhappily I might add. I'm like this weird hybrid of Dr. Phil and a Chippendale dancer. Women want to talk to me about their innermost thoughts then want to see me naked. I know better than to fondle coworkers on company time so I'll leave it alone but I'm also so fascinated by all things I shouldn't be doing. My life can be such a conundrum of interconnected yet polar opposite thoughts.

Overall life is good. I don't have many complaints. The complaints I do have are all fixable in either the short run or will work out in the long run. I'm just working out the kinks as I go.

Mr. Miyagi, my sensei

2009-03-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

Sad news. My newest lunch time partner is out. I was considering Ding-a-ling Girl but I quickly shot that down. Rather, she shot herself down. In your comments, my two faithful readers, it was mentioned how sickening it was for a woman to throw herself at a man in that fashion. I agree.

As the day progressed with her it got worse.

She kept commenting on how big my feet were. She kept literally staring at my crotch and she wasn't trying to hide it. At one point I swear she licked her lips. I'll confess that I did kiss her. Hey I wanted to see if she was a good kisser. She was. So sue me. But in my defense, I kissed her way before she turned on the heat. Maybe that's what spurred the next event...

As I was getting ready to leave she reached out and tried to cop a feel of my scrote. Luckily I watched Karate Kid earlier in the week so I was able to execute the wax on /wax off block with Ralph Macchioesque precision.

To her credit, she was very cute, almost hot. She was even sexy..BUT..she made it too easy. Come on, at least make me chase a little bit. Not too much to where I'll get bored but enough so that I get to at least feel like I accomplished something.

The whole grabbing of my crotch like Michael Jackson turned me completely off. Needless to say she's out for my lunch time buddy.

Once again the search ensues. Maybe I'll grab lunch with the softest girl in her hood when I'm up there! At least I know she won't make a play for my nads.

Ding-a-ling

2009-03-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting next to the girl who confessed to checking out my ding-a-ling. Yes I said ding-a-ling. What a wonderful word. I don't know how I get myself into these situations. If you ever want to see what a woman would say and do to a perfect stranger hang out with me sometime.

I was in Amanda's hood (as if there are hoods where she lives!) on Friday meeting with a client. We ended up going to lunch as a group and oddly enough got separated in sidebar conversations. I think this girl made an effort to get me alone.

It was just small talk initially. Then we started talking about hitting the bars. I asked her where she goes and she told me. She said, 'You should come out there sometime. I'll buy drinks.' I said, 'I don't know that my girlfriend would like that.' (That's usually a fishing line to see what the girl says in response.) She said, 'Then don't bring her. Just hang out with me.' That's where I knew I was in.

I asked if she minded that I had a girlfriend she said no of course. This story is really long because it happened over the course of 4 hours so I'll shorten it before I get carpal tunnel syndrome.

She told me that she doesn't have a bf but doesn't care if I have a gf. She just wants to hook up on the side. She told me she wanted to see me naked because she was checking out my ding-a-ling as I walked in and when I was sitting next to her. She wants an up close view of it.

She told me that I was attractive. Then she showed me naked pics of herself on her phone! How's that for a follow up to a compliment?

I swear this is a true story. You would not believe some of the stuff I get myself in to. There's something about me that screams: UNDER HIS PROFESSIONAL EXTERIOR LIES A PLAYER.

The thing is, I always look professional. I'm always in slacks and a button up. I keep things very business like. I kind of have to in my line of work. If I don't appear this way then people won't take me serious and won't trust that I know what I'm doing.

I don't know what is but chicks always want to check the ding-a-ling. Man is she going to be disappointed...

UPS

2009-03-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

Holy shit this chick was/is checking out my package. How do I know? She told me....

If I only knew

2009-03-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with a female friend of mine the other day. We were talking about sex and how our partners view sex. It got me thinking about what I know now about sex versus what I knew back then, in my younger days.

God was I a horrible lover in my younger days. I sucked in the sack. Say that five times fast. I'm not saying I'm Don Juan DeMarco now but I'm at least more informed.

I've taken a more scientific view of sex. Mathematical even. I've gotten to know angles, positioning, cause and effect. Reading that makes it sound so cold but it's not really. I'm not either. I just pay attention more.

Any man that wants to go for hours is crazy. I can't think of anything besides sleeping that I want to do for that long. If you can't reach a climax within 20 minutes then he's doing something wrong. I realize some women take longer to get there. Some women are like classic cars, you warm them up for a bit and they purr when turned on. I prefer frequency over marathons.

Speaking of sex, I still haven't see The Other Girl in while. She'll catch me online and we'll message back and forth but that's it. I've decided to limit myself to lunch time trysts. Anything else is way more complicated than I need right now.

I'll have to find a new lunch buddy at some point. It doesn't have to be anything physical. A lunch date every once in a while works for me. I could use a change of pace when it comes to company.

I'll get on that.

More meeting crap

2009-03-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

We had big meeting today to discuss organizational changes. Basically someone got promoted and the powers that be wanted all 36 of us in my department together so we can all fake laughs and congratulate the new person we will be reporting to.

Now did we need to take an hour to do that? No. But people in my group like to meet for the sake of meeting. The new director is not someone new. We've all known her for years. So I'm not sure what all the hubbub was about. We all reported to her anyway in some capacity. I think this was just a meeting of mutual, 'I'm okay, you're okay' chatter. Various people chimed in to wax poetic on the virtues of our new boss and what a great job she's going to do.

Do I give a crap? Nope. I still have a job and the chain of command just got one link longer. Someone asked if were going to get a new 'org chart.' Do you really need a Powerpoint presentation on where you fall in the food chain? Will that enable you to do your job better?

Someone else said, 'I'm excited for all the organizational changes and the opportunities your leadership will bring.' Wait a minute, is that a sucking noise I hear or is that puckering? Either way it's not like our newest boss is William Wallace and we're all gonna paint our faces to meet death by primitive impalement on the Scottish Highlands.

While everyone shoveled there shit in heaps of praise on our new boss I took a look around the room. There were 28 women and 8 men. Of the 28 women only 3 were doable and one was kind of sexually ambiguous. Number one is of the short haired variety and looks like a picture out of Vogue when it comes to style. Number two is whiny prat but cute at times. The sexually ambiguous one could be cute if she didn't reek of sex change in Thailand forgoing the Adam's Apple removal to get that discounted rate advertised in Sex Change Daily.

What about number three? I'm glad you asked. She had on glasses of the librarian type! She was sweet like an over ripe mango. Her pouty lips made her look like an unpaid extra from a scene in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. She made the meeting was almost worth the lost hour on my timecard. Unfortunately she couldn't balance out the usual makeup of a meeting.

What's in the makeup of a meeting? It's a cast of characters in every meeting in my world. The cast is made up of the following:

The Joker - This person makes a joke out everything. More times than not they aren't funny except to him. It's usually a male, balding, computer paunch (the kind of stomache you get from sitting at a computer all day and leading a sedentary lifestyle), and relives his high school glory days in stories about, '...if the coach had only put me in the 4th quarter we'd be state championships.'
The Talker - This one is a female. Her hair only looks good on the days she gets it cut and styled. Every other day it's feathered and exposed roots. She talks incessantly while someone else is talking.
The Naysayer - Comes in both the male and female version. This person is always screaming that the sky is falling and can find the negative spin on anything.
The Laugher - Again, male or female here. This person laughs after everything they say and as they laugh the try to talk again only to raise their voice a few decibels, raising the hackles on all neighborhood cats within earshot.

And you wonder why I hate meetings. Maybe I should rethink that because meetings do bring me such enjoyment from people watching.

Line in the Sand

2009-03-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm drawing a line in the sand today. I'm taking a stand. I'm turning back to the old me. Swagger on.

(This post had more but I think this sums it up.)

Hot Chick is a Couch

2009-02-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

Please don't ever grow up and get a 'professional' job. It's not what it's cracked up to be. I'm not saying that my job is important by any means but I do make more than the median income of the average household in America by myself. So a bit more is expected of me in my job.

Part of what is expected of me is attending meetings. Many times these meetings suck donkey nuts because they are productive for the first 15 minutes or so and then they deteriorate into sad diatribe that's sadly unfunny, kind of like a Dane Cook show.

I had a meeting this week that was just like this. I normally make excuses to get out of meetings. Sometimes I'll even stage phone calls so I can leave the room. I've even found a service that will do it for me. That day I ended up staying at this meeting because she was here!

As soon as I walked in to the room I saw her. Holy shit was she gorgeous and she had style!! I love style. She had on grey, 3 quarter sleeve, form fitting top with dark pin striped slacks. She accessorized with a grey scarf tied tastefully in an Ascot Knot. It would only get better if she wore librarian glasses. If she rocked the librarian glasses, much to the dismay of everyone at the meeting, I probably would have fully disrobed and proceeded to play limbo close to her nether regions.

I couldn't help but think how much she looked like Jessica Alba. While I'm not much of a Jessica Alba fan, she is pretty hot. So I spent much of the meeting stealing glances at her and trying to figure out if she had a ring on (as if that would matter).

She ended up presenting in the meeting for a short but glorious time and when she was done she went back to her seat to grab her stuff and leave. When she got back to her seat she put on her coat and started to walk out.

Holy shit was her coat ugly. It didn't even match her pants! ALL the style points went out the door. She took all that time and effort to come up with this magnificent outfit that accented her curves live the Colorado River does the Grand Canyon yet she failed to match her coat.

She wore this plaid coat that although was within the given color scheme, the patterns didn't match at all. She looked like an old couch when she walked out.

I was so disappointed.

The Breakup

2009-02-24T15:28:00.000-08:00

So I did it. I broke up with The GF. Over the last few days I've been feeling 'out of sorts' and I guess this was just a culmination of it.

We traded emails at work. In a nutshell, what started out as a seemingly good idea by me turned in to this ball of screeching and finger pointing. I said in an email after getting a terse response, 'I was trying to do something good. My intent was not to make you mad or upset. I was only trying to be a more active part in this relationship.'

After all the emails back and forth I called her to try to straighten things out and it only went downhill from there like an Olympic skier. She pretty much went off on me. I'm not sure about other people but I don't respond to well to finger pointing, blaming, and jabs. I like contructive conversations with solutions at the end. It's the pragmatist in me.

The conversation went on like this:

Me: ...then we should breakup. It's obvious I don't meet your basic needs.

The GF: But you do. You only do it in spurts, but I've seen you do it. I know you can.

Me: But if meeting your basic needs means I lose myself in the process, is that really worth it?

The GF: You're saying you don't want to? That's how I see it. You just want to give up. You don't even want to try.

Me: I've tried. I admit that I have been able to make you happy at times, but if we weigh it out, in the grand scheme of things you are unhappy more than you are happy.

The GF: I'd have to say it's 50-50.

Me: 50-50 is only good in baseball. (Other sports too but you get my drift!)

The GF: I don't agree. It's not what I want.

Me: It's what I want. I can't go on like this. It's crazy but I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. You want only the good parts of me. You want to mold the rest in to the man you think I should be. I am who I am. Scars and all. You need a man that's going conform to your definitions of what a man should be. Unfortunately I'm not that man. We are so far apart on the fundamental parts of what makes a relationship work.

The GF: How so?

Me: Here's a big one for me. It's the destination not the journey. For you it's all about the journey.

The GF: Example?

Me: This weekend. The bbq we went to.

The GF: So you're saying that you don't want me to have my way?

Me: It's not that at all, but each time you get your way and it compromises my own beliefs, I lose a little bit of myself. Today is nothing but a microcosm of how we don't work. I am not that man you need. I will never be. I believe that now.

The GF: Part of a relationship is working at it everyday.

Me: That illustrates my point. Fundamentally we disagree. I think good relationships just are.

The GF: No, you have to work at it.

Me: But you shouldn't have to work this hard....

It went on from there but that's the gist of it. I can't do this anymore. She has so many built in insecurities that I end up paying the price for what others have done. To her, if you make a mistake, it's within the rules to have that person pay over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I don't live in the past. Fix it. Get over it and move on. Let's start living for the good days. Stop worrying about what happened in the past.

I say this knowing that some things take more time to heal but other things are minutae (that's a great word).

My issue has to do with her control freakishness...her inability to be spontaneous. I love life. I live it like there's no tomorrow. I operate outside the lines because that's where it's most fun. She bandies back and forth between the lines.

In the beginning it was a good contrast to my aloofness. In the end it's one of our many downfalls.

She's not a bad woman by means. She's a great woman. She's just not that great for me.

SIDENOTE: ..amanda, I can't comment on your blog. Your word verification doesn't work.

Kinda single now!?

2009-02-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

I did it. I ended things with The Other Girl. The conversation was pretty simple. It went something like this:

Me: I think we should end this. It's not working.
The Other Girl: What? What isn't working?

Me: Us seeing each other. That's not working.
The Other Girl: Why not?

Me: I don't feel right about it. (I'm lying here if you didn't know.)
The Other Girl: It never bothered you before!

Me: I know, but it does now. I'm scared that you husband will find out.
The Other Girl: He won't.

Me: What if he does?
The Other Girl: He won't.

Me: I can't take that chance. Besides, I need to see if things are going to work with my GF. (I'm lying again. They won't work with the GF.)
The Other Girl: So there's no way to make it work?

Me: No. I've got to get my house in order and I can't do it if I'm playing house with someone else.
The Other Girl: Can we still talk?

Me: Yes. Hit me up online. (That's my attempt at sounding hip and cool.)
The Other Girl: I'll miss hanging out with you.

Me: Maybe in another life this would work. (Getting metaphysical is always a good way to ease the tension.)
The Other Girl: Sure.

Now I know you're all wondering, what if she goes psycho? She can't. Well she can but she doesn't have any info on me. She doesn't know where I work. She has a general idea but doesn't know exactly. Hell she knows my middle name and not my first name. She doesn't even have a phone number for me. I covered all bases, I hope.

So one down. One to go. I broke up with the GF today too. More on that later.

Bored to tears

2009-02-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am so bored at work today. Sure I have tons to do but I'm really slick at getting shit done at the last minute, so I'll til then to start. Someone save me.

She does what?

2009-02-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

I don't think that I've ever mentioned The Other Girl on here. If not, a quick synopsis on her. I met her sometime last year and we get together from time to time when her husband is out of town. I know, I'm a jerk right? I know this. You know this. Judge me. Deal with it.

We met in a coffee shop. How Seattle huh? We were sitting near each other and just started talking. It went from there. I was very up front about my relationship status and so was she. We clicked enough to be dangerous and here we are.

Normally she just brings me lunch or we go out to eat. There's very little contact involved. We have and do kiss on occasion but no sex. I can't bring home cooties. That would not be good. I think I fill a void in her life that her husband can't. I actually listen to her. I pay attention to her. I make her feel beautiful. At least that's what she tells me.

I've had opportunities to have sex with her but I just haven't. As crazy as this sounds, as long as we just kiss, then I don't think it's all that bad. She tells me all the time that she'd like to be in my band and play the meat trumpet but I always keep her at arm's length. I think that's the secret with her. You give her just enough to keep her interested but not too much where she's bored.

So we're talking yesterday and she tells me she smokes weed. I was kind of surprised because she seemed so innocent, aside from the fact that she has musical aspirations (reread the previous paragraph for the funny as hell reference).

So now that has me rethinking things. On top of the fact that we could get caught by our SOs, what about me getting caught up in some drug bust? She told me she kept it a secret because, 'You're a businessman with a professional job,' and she didn't want me to look down on her.

I don't think smoking weed is bad at all. Hell, as Peter Tosh says...legalize it. But at the same time I don't want to meet up with her one day and get busted because she has weed.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to end this tryst, as much as I enjoy it. I might have to find a new Other Girl. Or I might just have to be good. Nah, I'll find a new Other Girl.

I'm a whore (I seriously lack a good title)

2009-02-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I'm a whore. I think admitting it is the first step isn't it? I've said it before, I just may not be boyfriend material. Maybe I'm not a whore but I know I get bored quite easily and I hate being tied down and I like kissing.

I tend to feel suffocated after a while. I like my space (not to be confused with myspace-which I don't do) as I alluded to in my previous post. This weekend we spent some time apart and I felt good about it. It didn't bother me one bit. Not a good sign methinks.

We have a vacation planned. We have the tickets and everything. We were headed to the East Coast to a mutual friend's wedding and were going to take in the sites for a few extra days while we were there. To be honest this person is more her friend than mine. I could care less about going. I told her that I didn't want to go afterall. Oh shit did she flip.

She was not happy. She basically told me that I didn't want to go just so I could be alone while she's out of state. She thinks that I'm going to mess around while she's gone. That's not entirely true. I'm not saying it's out of the realm of possibility, but it's not like I plan on having an orgy as soon as her plane takes off.

If she keeps this up she's just going to end up pushing me away. But our relationship is kind of like a car wreck on the freeway. You don't want to be a part of it, but you can't help but be drawn to it. That's us. That's how feel.

...I'm in a car wreck on the freeway.

Point of clarity and mixed mumbo jumbo...

2009-02-10T16:05:00.000-08:00

I like women of all colors. Yesterday it was Asian women. Generally speaking all women have their pluses. Until recently I've date almost white women exclusivelys. I'm Hawaiian so white women look best skin to skin. There's something about the contrast, unless she tans and that blows my contrast theory right out of the water. Overall I like women!

In short, color doesn't matter. What does matter is style. I love style. She doesn't need to be in D&G all the time. I even like the Bohemian look. As long as she has style and she wears it well, I'm in. If she is really stylish, her look changes....I'm your sucker. I guess I'm like that because I like to think I have style and how I dress/look changes all the time. (Old people can have style too!)

AR mentioned not being in love anymore with someone despite the fact that he makes her happy. I think I'm steering towards the same thing. Getting involved after being single for so long is hard. I'm used to running through life freely like a gazelle on crack in the Serengeti but when you're in a relationship it doesn't work that way.

How irritating is that?

Case in point: I'm headed home after work so I call the gf to let her know I was leaving and to make small talk. We get off the phone after 5 minutes of conversation. Two minutes later she sends me a text. WAAAAAAAAAIT...didn't we just talk? Did we not cover something? I don't even remember what the text read. After that text, I get another. I don't respond because it was a text that didn't require a responce. Then she calls me to see if I wanted to do something for dinner. This all happened in the span of 15 minutes after talking for 5.

Can a blogger get home first and unwind? Can I get a chance to change and do some general breathing exercises? Keep in mind that she texts/calls/emails me throughout the day.

Where is that buffer that I so cherish? What happened to personal space? This alone is enough to make me drink.

UGGGGHHHH.

Weekend Wrapup

2009-02-09T11:24:00.001-08:00

I got crazy drunk Friday. I had vodka, beer...I know you shouldn't mix the two...but I did, Patron, and various other mixed libations. It was good times. I made some new friends, none of which were of the cute, vaginal type. I guess I should've expected it because the GF was with me.

I got a new jacket. I even got it on sale.

I had lots of sex too. Lots of sex is always a plus.

The GF and I actually got along this weekend. It was a good change of pace. I don't know if this has an correlation to my being inebriated or if I really got something right. It was probably my being inebriated.

A coworker of mine that's always trying to get me to go out with him sent me some pics. He does this every Monday to show me all the women he hangs out with. He knows I'm on a Asian women kick lately and this club he goes to always has Asian women there. So this Monday was no exception. I open up my email and there he is, posing with hot Asian women like he's at an import car show.

I don't think my hankering for Asian women will last. I go through phases. Before Asian women it was athletic women. Before that it was librarians. This too shall pass. (You're a bible thumper if you recognize that last phrase as being in the bible.) The one consistent like of mine is women who wear glasses. I'm a sucker them.

Hope you have a good Monday.

Random thoughts...

2009-02-04T18:08:00.000-08:00

I need a haircut
I wonder if she's a good kisser?
I wish they would leave me alone
I really should be working
Locals here are obsessed with knitting and God
Her boobs look saggy
Her boobs are her best feature (different woman)
Is he really that old?
I'm glad I have a job
There goes becoming a doctor
I should start a separate, anonymous blog about my sex life
Whoa, they really did remove someone's kidney through their vagina
How does she keep her job?
What would they do without me?
What does he want now?
I bet I can get away with that
She always acts like she knows how to do it but really can't
Wow, I really worked today
I'll slack off tomorrow
If it weren't for music at work...
Please stop calling me
His story never changes, same shit..different day
I really wish I could dropkick him in the nads-he needs it

...my random thoughts for the day!

Filler...

2009-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at work wondering how the hell I'm going to get through the day. It has nothing to do with me feeling bad, I'm just bored like a mofo.

This is not good. When left to my own devices good things do not happen. I tend to not use my time wisely. Taking blogging for example, is this really good for the company bottom line? I'm sure I could be doing something to enhance profits but how would that change my boredom?

Things got a little better between me and The Girl. We talked and I realize that a fair portion of the change has to come from me. It's that I never realized that fact, I think it was always a matter of if I wanted to change. Up to this point, I didn't. I now understand that I have to give this a real shot before I throw it all away. If I do this, I can walk away with a clear conscience. If it comes to that.

In my boredom I did manage to find a really disturbing trend. I think it only affects the Eastern part of the country but I sincerely hope that it's not something that's headed this way.

This disturbing trend is called 'Frolicing.' Apparently it's a form of dancing where you look like a Gotti Boy and kick and gyrate to horrible music. In normal speak that's called a seizure on the Jersey Shore. If you're a douche it's called frolicing.

I took the liberty of posting a video of it.

My question is, how do you dance with a girl w/out kicking her in her vaginal region by accident?

To frolic, one must be wearing lots of cologne, Armani Exchange shirt, and has to say 'fuck' a lot. The mandana is optional. Popped collar is mandatory. For your viewing pleasure I give you this gem.

Trying..needing to focus

2009-01-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

I love my job. It's not really recession proof, no job is, but it's steady and I'll always be employed. I've been working on this huge project at work and it brings me in contact with a lot of people outside of my office. One girl I've been seeing a lot of is kinda beautiful. She smells good. I love girls that smell good. I guess that much is obvious but I'm sure that there are men out there that like their women to smell bad. If I could only get her to wear glasses...to satisfy my optical fetish.

I was emailing with a coworker and she was telling me how crappy things are at home for her. Is this shit rampant or what? I think I nailed it when I said that the way I feel today is how I felt when I got divorced. I get this foreboding feeling. Like something that I want to happen yet don't want to happen is gonna happen.

After trading emails I came to the conclusion that I don't want to deal with the single life. I'm actually afraid that I might get lonely. I thought I'd never get to that point yet here I am staring it in the face. I've never been one to:

A) Ever be lonely
B) To ever feel lonely

I need to refocus. Maybe I'll take up Gymkata to focus my energy.

Bring on the funk...

2009-01-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm in a 'mid-funk' stage. Mid-funk is somewhere between Full-funk and No-funk. It's not when your belly button reeks of old lint but it could be descriptive of a woman in Ohio who refuses to bathe. Full-funk is when all is lost or whenever you're listening to George Clinton. No-funk is when everything is good or a Fergie song is on the radio.

So what ails me? It's this relationship. We had a non blowout, blowout. We didn't argue at all. We talked but some revelations bubbled up towards the top. I was going to type this whole diatribe on the argument but that was when I first started typing it. It's the afternoon now and I'm just thinking...WHATEVER.

I'm not going to put any more effort into it today. I'm always going to be me. Like or not. Take me and all my flaws.

I did get a raise last week so that's pulled me up to at least Mid-funk. That's gangsta.

Eating well has done wonders for how I feel physically. I feel skinnier. I feel healthier. Since I've been maintaining this healthy course, I found that I'm making better choices when I eat. I'm no longer gorging myself. (I've never really gorged myself but it sounds cool when used in a sentence.) Seriously though, eating healthy is almost better than licking the upper arm of the new American Idol judge while naked except for a bowtie. She's hot like that. (American Idol reference is just for you ICB).

I swear I had more to write but stupid work got in the way of any intelligent thought I may have had.

Mortality

2009-01-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been coming to grips with my own 'mortality.' I'm not saying that I'm dying any time soon, that's definitely not the case, but I am getting older. With age comes a lot of things that I'm not prepared to handle. Maybe I thought I would always be young.
Case in point, I look at a lot of women my age and we just don't have a lot of in common. That might be the thing that bothers me the most. It seems that I have more in common with women younger than me which causes a dilemma because most other things I don't have in common with younger women. At my age, many women have retired to knitting and Sunday scrapbooking sessions. If that's your thing, get your knit on. I would rather be exploring a new mom and pop breakfast joint or lying in bed with someone than watching you knit over coffee.

I guess this goes hand in hand with my last post about becoming single. I have to add the religious right to that list. A lot of women are finding God. That's cool. Me and JC are friends too but I don't make it a habit to quote scripture in everyday talk. I can't stand the religious rhetoric that I hear more and more. Don't force your verses on me. I can't say that I'm religious at all. I like to say that I'm spiritual. I find it hard to believe that any higher power channels his thoughts through one person because they have a nifty collar. Whatever.

I think if I took more mypace/Jersey shore pics, you know the ones that are at an angle in the bathroom where you pout your lips, I would be more in line with today's standards. I hate those pics so I'll cross that off my list of things to do.

I'm not old by any means. I'm not even close to 40. I guess I just feel old and out of touch. The other part is my self image. I've never had a problem with it. I don't have low self esteem. I'm far from it, but physically I'm not where I want/used to be. In short, I've gotten fat. It's a good thing that I don't rest on my laurels (what exact does that entail?) and I've started on a path for a healthier lifestyle. I've cut out the cocaine and smack. I'm kidding. I've never done a drug except weed on rare occasion during high school. But I have started getting right physically in the hopes that it will filter down to my mental well being.

Here's to me and never ever finding anyone compatible enough. At least I'll be muscular!

Screwed

2009-01-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

I think if I ever become single again I'm screwed. It seems like everyone:

hikes
likes the outdoors
goes 4-wheelin'
is into knitting
hits the bars on a regular basis
fishes
reads classic novels
listens to NPR
belongs to a theater group
has multiple cats
has drama,
runs marathon

I have either never done any of those things or I've done it once and didn't care for it. I am a city boy so that rules out being an outdoorsy kind of guy. I'm pass the age of bar hopping. I'm far from a redneck. The kind of theater I like most involves popcorn and laughing. I'm not opposed to getting dressed up and seeing a play though.

The way I see it, I'm screwed as a single.

This week has been fairly shitty week at work. At home too. I know that previous sentence is a fragment. Deal with it.

I've been colloborating with a new girl on a project and I think she was a man in a former life. Maybe even this life. I've seen enough documentaries on Thailand to recognize a crossdresser.

Another woman on this same project bugs the crap out of me. She tends to answer questions, even if she's not the one being asked. I HATE THAT. If I ask someone a question there's a purpose. I want to see if they know the answer. A lot of times I already know the answer but I need to see if the other person does. If this lady is within earshot of the question she will stop what she's doing just to try be the one that answers. Why? Obama really needs to sign an executive order that allows me to swiftly kick people in the solar plexus when they do that.

I'm crossing my fingers for a better weekend. Either that or I'm waiting for that Obama's chop on that order.

A sign?

2009-01-21T15:06:00.001-08:00

I saw a sign on the way to work today and it registered somewhere deep in me. It said, 'Just for today, don't give up.' That got me thinking...do I give up on my relationship?

We haven't been connecting these last few days. Part of me isn't bothered by it at all. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my 'I Don't Give a Shit' meter is very sensitive. There isn't a whole lot that I give a shit about. I limit what bothers me to things that really matter.

That's not to say that my relationship doesn't matter. It does or I wouldn't be writing about it. Here's the thing, I've been plugging away at this relationship for a few years now and while its had its good times, the bad times are just as plentiful.

Just for today...do I give up?

Yet another quality post...

2009-01-15T05:48:00.000-08:00

I accidentally got turned on by a coworker who I can't stand. She and I were in a meeting and I glanced over at her. The way she was sitting gave me a perfect view of her shoes. Wow. Hot as fuck. Something about her shoes made her look hot. How weird is that? It bugs me because we're thrown together on a lot of projects and she always does things the hard way. She's been with company since the first form of payments they took were large coin like stones. So she only knows one way...the way she's been doing it since she took the company photo with Moses in it. She refuses to embrace technology and all that it offers. LOL Cats? That's progress. Hug it.

At least it was a female.

I had an email discussion with a coworker (we sprinkled the emails with work too) about why our former boss is so hot. She's gay. Gay women make the best wing people. Write that down.

I feel more and more sophomoric as I type.

My guilty secret is that I love American Idol. Please keep that close to the vest. I think you lose ninja points if you are caught watching it and everyone knows that ninjas are always watching. The new judge is hot and the bikini girl is not. THe bikini girl looks like someone stepped on her face with a very wide platform shoe.

I swear one day I'm going to get busted for surfing at work.

Married women...

2009-01-14T06:17:00.000-08:00

I seem to have an extra gene in my body. It's slotted neatly between the gene that makes me smell good and the gene that makes women not want to commit to me. The direct effect of this gene is that it acts as a pheremone for married women.

There have been case studies on it. The science is solid. If it's on the internet it must be true.

I'll pause so you can all judge me.

PAUSING...

/END PAUSE

One married women was cool. We hooked up through mutual friends. She made me breakfast a few days during the week. Her hubby would leave for work and I would drive up. It was fun. It lasted two months. Then she got all moral on me. What the hell is that? I still run in to her from time to time. She still looks hot. But those damn morals kill me. What happened to the 70's? Please bring it back.

Another woman and I met while eating lunch. She sat at table next to me and we just starting talking. We made this warp jump from lunch to shady trysts in her car. We never had sex, mainly because I'm not 18 and sex in a car is only fun with hookers and cheerleaders. I don't like hookers and cheerleaders bug me. It's something about that perma smile they always have even when their team is down by a million points.

That one ended when we started to go on a S&M route. Whoa. Pump the brakes. Nothing about wearing a mask and a ball gag appeal to me. So that ended quickly.

Is there really a good way to end a post like this?

Twitter

2009-01-13T09:55:00.001-08:00

I finally got a twitter account (acousticblinding)...how the heck do you find people if you don't know them?

If I ever...

2009-01-13T08:51:00.000-08:00

I decided that if I ever date again I want to date this woman. She's kind of hard to see in the pic but it's the Yahoo Mail girl that greets me everytime I check my mail. I wonder if she uses IM? I updated my blogger profile to include my IM screen name just in case she reads my blog. (Incidentally, if anyone wants to add me please save me from my having to work by entertaining me on the internetz.)

But I don't see myself dating ever again. If the relationship I'm currently toiling in doesn't completely suck the will out of my soul and I have some minute hankering for companionship just shoot me.

I have the classic love/hate relationship. I hate it somedays. I love it other days. As of today I'm teetering on a 50/50 split. Being in this relationship has given me more sympathy to those that are 'stuck' in a relationship. I wish I was just able to cut and run but it's not that easy. I sound like a tool, I know.

Part of me doesn't want to let go of potentially a great thing. The other part of me just wants out.

Today I hate her.

I'm trying, Seriously.

2009-01-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

For that one person that reads my blog, thank you by the way, I'm really trying to write more. It's not as if I don't have enought to write about. That's not it. I just don't feel the need to write or by the time I get next to a computer my creative juices have dried up like a good prune.

Even the title of my blog bugs me. For some reason I can't write unless I have a title that I like. In the past when I've blogged it's always been under some really cool name. That inspired me in some way.

I'm going to try to blog more often. I've found that when I don't I'm much less happy because I lack some sort of release. Writing gives me a release. If I don't have something then I suck and those around me feel the suckage seep towards them. (Suckage is a word if you were wondering.)

I was going to retitle my blog to reflect something more about my relationships but that ended up sounding somewhat limited. So I decided today on the way to work to keep this title and hammer out the posts.

Let the boredom ensue.

Beginnings?

2008-10-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

Every blog starts somewhere. I guess this is my start. I think a quick intro to who I am and what this blog is about is a good start, but......how do you blog about experiences and attempt to remain anonymous?

In my best attempt at anonymity, I'll give you a little heads up on who I am.

I'm an everyday schmuck just like you. I work in an office full of idiots and dumbasses. Of course there are some that are cool and who I would like to have sex with, but never dip you pen in to company ink. The exception is if you dip your pen in to lesbian company ink. I'll tell you about that later.

I'll try to provide a cast of characters as I go along. This is about me and my life.